A little bit about me.  

I'm a 50-something married woman with a grown-up daughter who flew the nest a good few years ago and has her own young flourishing life.

I run my own business and travel regularly for work.  My marriage is... just what it is.

Over nights out with friends and neighbours, it became increasingly apparent to me that I had a lust for life, adventure, and sex that just wasn't being fulfilled.  I suppose you might say I’m very sexual and enjoy, and need, regular sex to keep me feeling alive and happy.  Needless to say that was no longer happening at home and after a few pretty disappointing hook-ups and one night stands with people I had met in a pub or hotel bar it was beginning to feel like that was both risky in terms of not knowing who you’re meeting and unsatisfying in that there was no connection, continuity, or growth in the “relationship”... which sounds like madness.  After a couple of hook ups, where the guys went back to their room, happy with their 10 minutes' work, I thought it was time to look elsewhere.   

It took quite a lot of courage to sign up to my first website as it seemed like a much more fundamental and calculated step… but once I got into that world, I was inundated with offers for fun, sex, and a variety of other things…..  

Now the problem became not whether I could... but who I would choose.

I should probably point out here that I’m not a supermodel and don’t just have the pick of anyone I choose, but it does seem on these sites that there are plenty of men looking for sex, and seemingly they aren’t so bothered about many of the things women worry about.  My weight has fluctuated fairly dramatically over the years.  I am currently much thinner than I have been in the past, and that is good for my face, but maybe less favourable for my tits, and I also have some very wobbly bits around my stomach and waist.   With age has come wrinkles and things, but also a confidence in my appearance and a “don’t give a shit” attitude to how other people see me.   This is all well and good, but there is still always a nervousness about getting naked with someone for the first time. I do, however, spend time on my appearance and I make sure my nails are painted red and I am wearing my signature red lip stain whenever I leave the house. I always look after myself and make sure I am always at my best. I always wear matching lingerie. I wear good quality clothes, mainly dresses and I always wear heels, which makes my legs look good. I don't do this for anyone else other than me. It makes me feel good about myself. I attract a lot of attention wherever I go and I love that. People might actually say I am a little flirty and again I think this has come with age and my growing confidence.

Over several years, I spent time on messages and had quite a few dates where things just weren't right.  Some ended in sex, some with a promise to meet again, then ghosting, sometimes crying with laughter on the way home, and sometimes just crying.

The grass should be greener? Right? 

There are so many Apps, Websites, Options, and men... which do you pick and how do you stop the whole process from becoming a full-time job?

I'd pretty much given up on all of it but signed up to AM one last time. Guys pay so maybe it's better?

Again... a load of messages and offers. Some were not very flattering, and some were too full-on straight away. 

One was different... I don't know why. No spelling mistakes, his pictures looked cute. No unsolicited cock shots or wrestling tigers etc. 

We chatted. His way of messaging made me laugh and before long I would get a tingle of anticipation whenever I saw a new message from him.  Articulate, intelligent…but also cheeky and irreverent. 

Just real and normal.  Which seemed very necessary in the madness of online “dating”.

Perhaps it was the picture that caught my attention. Not posed at all, but his blue eyes seemed to look out of the screen and straight into my thoughts… I couldn’t stop going back and looking.  And his smile looked both warm and cheeky at the same time.  It all felt slightly dangerous but also safe.

I agreed to meet him, and within a few hours, I had braved the snow and ice, and I was at a Travelodge in his hometown.  Not so classy, but it was short notice, and I figured it probably wouldn’t matter much anyway. He said he would meet me outside, and as I got ready, the familiar anticipation and butterflies in my stomach started.  The excitement of a first date is always an aphrodisiac, and the usual moments of final preparation, wondering what underwear to put on and whether everything was properly plucked and shaved, did I smell nice, was my skin soft, just add to the anticipation.  If only men knew what we go through for this sort of thing.

I walked out of the hotel and could see someone walking straight towards me with a purpose.  I hadn’t put my glasses on, so it was kind of difficult to tell if it was him from a distance.  As he got closer, he said my name.  His voice was deep enough to be manly and a bit posh-sounding, but had a calmness and fluidity that felt like it enveloped me.   He was taller than I expected, and as he got closer, he looked me straight in the eyes and smiled a big smile that was, fortunately, just like his picture. His whole face came alive and I noticed a warmth, but also imperfections, like crows feet, but the same confidence I had in my own skin.  He took my head in his hands and pulled me towards him to kiss me. His nose was cold in the winter night air…it made me giggle. His grip was strong, but his fingers were so very soft and tender that I wasn’t sure how to feel.   When he kissed me square on the lips again, it was strong and masculine and passionate, but somehow soft and gentle too.  My heart jumped… adrenaline was coursing through my body, and everything (and I mean everything) was at full alert and ready to feel more.  

Was this the start of something special?